The trouble of having too much pride

Q. Dear Mary, people around me think I'm too proud of myself. I actually think so too, and I've lived my life proud of the way I try to be that way. I hate to be unnecessarily affable or trying to please people to suit their level. After all, dignity is important, isn't it? Anyway, I want to let the world know that I'm not "one of the crowds," and I want to be someone that everyone looks up to. Well, I don't know if it's because of that, but I feel I'm treated with great caution by my colleagues and friends. By the way, I don't have anything to brag about in real life, even I'm opposite of the sparkling self I posted on Instagram. That's why I'm always careful not to expose my flaws because I'm scared of being found out. But recently, I've started to feel empty on social medias, and have begun to feel pain in social connections. Isn't it all good to have high self-esteem? (Maya, 33)

A. In psychology, your current state is called "psychological maladjustment."* This is caused by a mismatch between self-concept and experience, that is, ideals and reality are far apart. Pride is tricky, isn't it? It may not seem like a big deal to others, but to the person themselves, it is so important that they cannot live without it. It's like your "signboard" so to say. There is a Chinese idiom "hanging a sheep's head and selling dog meat," which means that the appearance does not match the reality. I would say that state of mind is fear that if you lower your pride, no one will buy you or pay you any attention. But, you know, even if you can't lower it, there's a solution. Looking in the direction of reality. And bring reality closer to your ideals. Little by little, you change yourself to fit your ideals. This is quite a training. So, how can we change things specifically? It's all about "plow ahead." Many people who become psychologically maladjusted have been through a lot of things up until now, but they just end up feeling depressed and disheartened. Take all that into account, see the reality, and just accept yourself.

* By American clinical psychologist Carl Rogers.